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How can a life be reduced to nothing more than images frozen in time.  No words, no sound - just smiles and bright eyes in an ever-whirring mirage of memory.  So many things shared and seen together - but no longer can I see you in the flesh to talk about those things that made us laugh, cry or feel so full of life.  I remember a time when the world was real around me.  When good things happened to me.  When every time my heart was broken, it was remade in the light of love that was given to me by my Mammie and Papaw.  So many things that only I can now know - things that were said, their favourite movies or songs, places we travelled to - now just thoughts.  They say that love never dies - but neither does grief.  My sorrow never feels distant nor does my love.  As much happiness as I have in my new life, I still mourn for the past.  So many hopes and dreams of things I am doing now, achieving now, but that I saw myself sharing with them - all gone.  I still dream about them coming to see me here, seeing my life and all of the laughs and happiness we might share.  And somehow it feels that it will still happen - hopeing beyond hope.  But that's reckless.  I know in my heart they are never coming back, but why do I search for them still?  Why do I pour over their photos and look into their eyes and feel that they are still with me?  Could it be that they are?  For all of my knowledge of mythology, of history and Spirit - I still cannot reconcile what I know with what I wish to be.  How I pray they are somewhere beyond the veil of this world waiting for me.  I fear to die, but in my heart know that someday I must - and that comfort can be taken at the knowledge that I will see them again.

Resurrection

I think that something that is missing from my life at present is journalling.  As negative as LJ can be - I think that just having that platform with which to vent my frustrations and to go back and read over things that upset me to gain perspective is actually highly therapeutic.

Having an audience was important to me - and still is.  I think that it's slightly invalidating as a human being to feel that you're unheard, unseen and otherwise that what you have to say, think and feel simply isn't worth someone else's time.  The longer I live, the more I begin to believe that people honestly just don't care about me anywhere near as much as I care about them.

I just think that I'm growing so discontent with this world.  I'm not talking about being suicidal - but just that this pervasive depression/dissociation/call-it-what-you-will that has consumed the past ten to fifteen years of my life has numbed me and slowly killed my sense of wonder, of awe and of hope for life.  Maybe it's the environment.  I can't stomach urban life.  I just can't.  I do hope with every fibre of my being that this move to the country will rekindle some of those things in me.  But part of the issue is my disillusionment with humanity.  I never had much confidence in people - after all, growing up like I did, you learn that your love is generally wasted on ingrates.  More and more - through every experience from disgruntled customers to road ragers in peak hour traffic - I feel like the world is one empty vaccum of hatred, selfishness and disappointment.  I do believe that souls such as mine - and hearts such as mine - are fated to be broken.

I try and think of so many "diagnoses" that could apply to the way that I feel.  My disgust of people and my desire to simply be left alone - how external stimuli drive me near to madness.  Autism Spectrum?  Sensory Processing Disorder?  Depression?  I get the feeling that I'm just fatally dead inside - and that what may be the correct "diagnosis" is nothing more than soul loss.

I feel so tired all of the time.  I feel next to no happiness and hope.  I feel utterly empty and spent.

I hate my job.  But I'm trapped in it.  I have no skills or qualifications to move on.  I can't afford my own education because we are in debt with this house - and Rhonda has at least two years for her own course to finish.  I feel like every way that I turn I am shafted.  Roadblocks placed in my path at every corner.  The enthusiasm I once felt is just non-existent.

Everything frustrates me.  Everyone frustrates me.  I can't even stand to be seen or spoken to.  I literally hide from people at work to avoid conversation.  I feel like an automaton and my voice is a pre-crafted recording playing on a loop.  Empty.

Moving - Things To Do

I thought I'd keep track of things to do with the upcoming move to Mum & Murray's here.

1.  Redirect mail - Australia Post - 6 months (approx, $55.00)

2.  National Storage - (comes with trunk rental) - first month is $169.50, subsequent months $268 per month.  Comes with $2500 insurance.

3.  Move animals to Mum & Murray's.

4.  Internet - cancel or suspend service.

5.  Notify important organisations of address change (DIAC, Format, Westpac, etc.)

6.  Organise to remove old comptuers, TVs, etc.

7.  Find boxes for moving (IKEA?).

I Will Remember...

My Mammie

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
Though we are screaming inside oh we can't be heard

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
But once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

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Hello...

Well, I suppose I'll begin with a warm "hello" and welcome to my LiveJournal. I am barmy_bats and I hope to use this journal as a safe place in which to express my deepest reflections and in which to develop new and long-lasting friendships with other like-minded souls.

Please feel free to add me if you like...I don't bite...hard ;)

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